So This is How you Shatter
by Kyri
Summary: Aya comes home early one night and finds something wrong with Ken
1. Shatter

I write weird things…….^^;  
  
And this is from Aya's point of view.  
  
I sighed, fiddling with my keys, I really hadn't intended on being home so early, but the mission ended sooner then I thought, and I couldn't go see…her…like this. Opening the door, and seeing the darkness in side I concluded that no one was home. Walking in, I saw the note scrawled on the post it board on the fridge.  
  
Hey oh silent one, the chibi and me have gone out for the evening and Ken's off who knows where. House is yours! ^^ Have fun for once, ne?  
  
Youji  
  
Hmm, I have the house to myself, you know, that doesn't happen offt---My musings were interrupted by a huge crash from upstairs. Going into stealth mode, I grabbed my Katana and silently went up, searching for the source of the noise. There, there it is again…it sounds like breaking glass.  
  
At the top of the stairs I stop, listening for more specific directions.  
  
CRAAASSSSSSSHHH!!!! Ok, can't get any more specific then that, its coming from Ken's room.  
  
I'm not really that worried now, Ken is extremely clumsy, however, I do have to go check. The crashing gets louder as I go closer, its almost…methodical in pattern. Now I was worried again, Ken was anything but methodical.  
  
Slowly I slip in through the door, its dark there too, but I can see well enough to avoid the mess that he calls a room from his bathroom light, since that door is slightly ajar. Silently, I head in.  
  
What I saw, peering around that door was utterly stunning. There was broken glass, every where, all around would not be exaggerating it. Glass from the window, glass from various little ornaments, and most of all, the glass from the large mirror. The whole mirror was in shards on the floor, reduced to those sad little reflective specks. In the middle of all that white chaos, sat Ken, whose cloths and blood were the only colour left in that room.  
  
My eyes widened in shock. The first thing that came to mind was about how utterly calm he looked…totally zoned out, but calm. Like the eye of a tornado or hurricane.  
  
Maybe it isn't the best decision in the world, but I go in, not noticing the glass that shatters even more underneath my still booted feet. I went over, but he didn't even acknowledge my presence, I don't think he knew I was there. That's how far into himself he had gone. I knelt down to his level and gazed worriedly into his blank eyes. No, he didn't know I was there at all. He isn't there himself.  
  
Cautiously, I reach out, and my hand comes in contact with warm slickness. Right, the blood, id forgotten that he was hurt. Something in me tells me that I have to be gentle if I'm going to do anything at all. Grabbing the first aid kit from under the sink, I pulled him up. No response, but I wasn't expecting one, not yet anyway. I frowned, his skin is unusualy cold, I'm gonna chalk it up to emotional drain for now, but I will consider other possibilities.  
  
Some how, we make it through the mess on his floor, and I set him down on the bed, sitting against the wall. Then I lay his hands out before me. I look at him, absently wrapping up his ruined and slashed hands, only to see the child like innocence that still holds predominance over his features. Suddenly, I want him back. I want to see those eyes come to life again. For the first time since I got there, I speak.  
  
"Ken?" I ask, looking for any response what so ever. Well, I got one. His head whipped towards me, and I grabbed his wrists before he could bring them up. Again, I spoke.  
  
"Ken, why?" there, neat, simple, direct. For a minute I thought he would struggle and rail against me, demanding to be let go of and left alone…but he didn't. His head went down and his shoulders shook as he started to cry.  
  
"I feel so alone…all the destruction makes me feel better, because it reminds me that someone is still there…"  
  
I'm honestly surprised, but then again, I shouldn't be. You are alone, Youji and Omi have their friends and each other, and I have my sister. But you, you don't have anyone do you? Not any more at least. Looking at his hands again, I notice old scars line them, matching the new ones you made tonight. I think back to all those times that he's bought a new mirror, or has come down with bandages on his hands, attributing it all to a fall, due to his overwhelming clumsyness. He's still crying, head down so I cant see. I gatherd him close, offering silent, non questioning comfort. He accepts and clings as his world keeps on breaking.  
  
"So this is how you shatter." 


	2. Rebuild

Midnight had ascended by the time Ken had calmed down to simple shuddering. I had stayed quiet the entire time, just letting him cry until he couldn't any more. Despite what my cold image suggests, I do care about my teammates, especially Ken. You see, he's always the one we lean on, the steady, sane one of the group. I had always wondered how he had managed to keep it all together, well, now I know. I realize that I must tread very carefully from now on, to avoid breaking any more glass.  
  
I murmur his name softly, just enough to get his attention, but not enough to startle him.  
  
"Ken?" I know I have to get him talking, but…I'm not sure as to what exactly I should say, but I have to try. I just can't leave him like this. I felt him stir wearily, pulling up enough so that he can see me, I can see that he feels ashamed about this, but he's to tired to pull away, or even make a half hearted protest about it.  
  
"Aya?" he croaks out in his now harshness voice, "I…I'm sorry…."  
  
Ok, now is the time for tact, to say something that wont just send him farther into guilt, but make it seem like I'm not being condescending or patronizing.  
  
"For what Ken?" I say softly, staying gentle, warmer then I usually am.  
  
"For this…breaking down, I can fix it before the others come home…I can…"  
  
Damn, he's starting to babble guiltily, what…wait, something my mother said to me and my sister long ago suddenly springs to mind, hell, I can almost hear her voice and feel the sunshine as she says it.  
  
"Naming your hurt and fear is the first step to dealing with it…" Thank you mother, you may have saved something far more precious the second time then your own sons fear of the dark.  
  
And so I say it to the shattered mirror of my friend that I have clasped so tight against me.  
  
"What is it that hurts the most Ken?" I ask, again keeping any trace of judgement or scorn or mockery out of my voice, not that I would feel them in anyway, but you never know how some one can take your tone.  
  
"Wha..huh?" He asks, confusion showing plainly through those sad brown eyes of his. Clearly this hadn't been the answer he'd been expecting from me. Of course, I'm not surprised. Tread softly, tread softly, my mind whispers. Heh, for once, that little voice is giving good, practical advice.  
  
"What pain goes down so deep Ken, that it drags you down until you hit the bottom of the spiral? What tortures your soul to the breaking point that you must break something in order to keep your mind whole? What has you shattered so?" There. Hopefully I've said it the right thing….hopefully its clear. I want to help him, and for that, I must remain sure, but tread with care I must. But, does he trust me enough to tell?  
  
Ken was still for a moment, much removed from his usual fidgety self. I thought he wasn't going to answer, but again, he surprises me. Maybe he is strong enough to survive this after all. His voice is soft and painfully child like. Sort of like when you hit the rest button.  
  
Back to the point of shatter.  
  
I wonder what it could be.  
  
"When I killed Kase? When I felt my claws rip through his chest? When I fucking MURDERD him Aya?!" He's starting to get angry. I'm going to try and ride it out, see what happens. "I killed him Aya, and for what? Don't give me that crap about it was part of the mission!" I hear that tell tale ragged edge of hysteria enter his voice.  
  
Keep him close, stay silent, let him rant, tread softly. Heh, again with the practical advice from that little voice. Maybe I should listen to it more often.  
  
He continues, starting to struggle now in his rage and guilt. "He didn't deserve that Aya! He didn't deserve to be struck down…I could have stopped it, but I didn't. I could have been a better friend, I could have noticed that he was feeling left out, I could have done better! But no! I was blind and now he's paying the price!! I knew it the exact moment I saw his eyes as he went down…"  
  
There! The exact moment he lost his ability to keep whole. Well, at least it's a start. Hmm, how to go about this, now that i've gotten him to open up, I don't know what to saw to keep it all right. I don't want him to shatter anymore. Time to attempt to rebuild. Sighing, I make my desion on what to say.  
  
"Ken, stop. Stop this, you can't keep replaying that one moment over and over."  
  
"But I.." He tries to interrupt, I may not be a pre-cog like Crawford or a telepath like Schuldrich, but I know what you're going to say.  
  
"No Ken, you don't deserve that. Kase may have been your friend long ago, but that was his decision to betray you 3 times. Once when he slipped you the drugs that got you kicked out of the J-league, twice when he staged his abduction and your "Death" in the warehouse, and thrice when he shot you. He tried with all his might to kill you Ken, and its not your fault that you didn't see. He was just a good actor."  
  
"You don't understand Aya! He… he was all I had left! And now he's dead, everyone's dead…soon, Youji, Omi, and you will join them…an..and ill be left alone…again…and it will be all my fault!" He cries, shaking once more. Damn, he's shattering again. Think fast and tread softly.  
  
"Ken, it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do about it. Do you hear me? You. Are. Innocent. Of. This. It wasn't your fault. I may not know what exactly its like…but I do know this. I witnessed that. We all did. We, Youji, Omi, and I, judge you not for it. Neither should you. We are not going to leave you alone like that again."  
  
Please…if there's any sort of deity up there; please let this be the right thing to have been said.  
  
He stops. He seems to be thinking about what I've said, settling down. Hopefully that's a good sign. I tighten my grip on him slightly, just making sure that in some part of his mind, that he knew I wasn't going to let go. That I was going to give him something to hold on to. Play glue if you will. I feel him sigh and sink against me. All the signs of the storm have passed. Gently, I shift so I can tilt his head back and watch as he groggily opens his eyes. With in them I search, and allow a flicker of a smile to appear. There's something there, something that once lay in pieces like a broken vase, now patched together, maybe in a slightly different shape, but all the stronger for it. He's whole once more. I pull him back totally against me, I know he's tired. I see him open his mouth to say something.  
  
"Aya…?"  
  
"Shh, get some rest."  
  
"Will you still be here?" I understand what he really means. Will I still be there when he wakes, will I still be there for him. Here comes the crucial part. I won't let him shatter again so soon.  
  
"I'll be here." He snuggles close and whispers softly.  
  
"Aya…Thank you." And thus, he falls asleep, perchance to dream something other then nightmares.  
  
I will still be there.  
  
"So this is how you shatter, and thus rebuild." 


	3. Healed?

I watch him very closely now. Always keeping an eye on his eyes, He has very astounding ones you know. You could tell his whole state of being if you knew just how deep to look, which I do. I don't think the others notice that though, being as the two blondes are so wrapped up in each other. He had slept in my arms that night, trusting me with a newly rebuilt soul. I know, I have to be careful, the glue hasn't completely set yet.  
  
Now that this has happened, I've noticed that most of the tension in the air around us has diffused, as if a disastrous secret sprang out, which it had.  
  
It's the worst for him at night, the dreams keep coming back to haunt this poor wanderer, but somehow, we find our way to each other, and it seems to help. I hope it helps. I want to protect this curious wonder, this diamond in the rough that sloes with blood, death and pain. There's so much, that you almost forget to look for the sparkle, but its there, all you have to do is look. And to think, we almost lost that. Coming home early that night was probably the best thing I've ever done, for my self and Ken…our team…all of us.  
  
I go to him overnight. Sometimes, I'll just watch him sleep, like a hovering parent, other times, when he's still awake, I'll go in and talk, hold him together just for the hell of it. Reassurances.  
  
I worry about him. As I've mentioned before, the glue hasn't entirely set. I can tell because of the little things, seeing two friends laughing and playing always brings a slight crack to his soul, every mission we're on always holds a danger of hitting a weak spot. But every time I see it, I go to him, making it not a last ditch defeated resource, but a genuine offer. He always accepts.  
  
  
  
He came to me tonight. I was up late reading when I heard the door open slowly, like someone was ready to close it at the slightest notice. I didn't look up, I don't have to. I know who it is, I know its him. It couldn't be anyone else with timid, slightly heavy steps like that. A soft weight settled on the bed beside me, and a dark, tousled head rested on my shoulder. Putting down my book, I turned, drawing him in like a worn teddy bear, looking down, I asked 'what brought this on' with my eyes. I know he gets the message when he sleepily murmurs up.  
  
"Wanna stay with you…" I see trust within those depths, and I realize, the glue has set. He's going to be fine, and as long as I can breath, as long as I live, I am going to make sure it stays that way.  
  
"I want you to stay too…" I say softly as I turned out the light and slide down, still clasping the sleepy wonder close to what remains of my black, torn and tatterd heart, maybe, he can act as glue for me too oneday…. 


	4. Forgive - Ie Ken's POV

Hey! Ever wonder what this was like from poor Kenken's point of view? Well wonder no more!  
  
  
  
My life is chaos. My world is a swirling malignant whirl pool that's ever draining downwards. Heh, I bet you didn't think I could be that poetic, but I only describe what I see. Its getting harder to stop now. My memories keep flashing up more and more, every time I look in that damn mirror…  
  
  
  
I can hear him screaming, and he's right, it is all my fault. Its my fault that Kase felt the need to head over to the creepers, to hurt me. I deserved every thing that happened, but he didn't…he didn't have to die… I didn't want him to die…  
  
Blood. Theres blood every where, his bright hazel eyes shine out brightly from all around me…accusing me.. Oh so accusing… again and again I have to keep slashing, keep moving, never stop never stop never stop never stop…I cant ever stop killing him. But you wanna know the strangest thing? The whole time, its silent, I'm talking the screaming kind of silents that can kill you're heart and soul far faster then a gun or a knief.  
  
Huh? Whats going on? I..i heard something! My…name..? Who's there…  
  
  
  
The room snaps back into view and I am confronted with another vision of red, but this is different. It's the gentle red that's softened by violet eyes… I can feel my wrists being immoble. Whats Aya doing here? Why does he care, what does he want from me?!  
  
My musings are interupted by a soft spoken question. Why indeed, cant you see the blood that surrounds me Aya? Cant you see that I'm guilty of blindness.. I Should have known…its my fault that theres no one left…however, my mouth seems intent on betraying me as well as I speak as my head goes down and hot tears course down my cheeks.  
  
"I feel so alone…all the destruction makes me feel better, because it reminds me that someone is still there…"  
  
Im not eloquent..but some how, that sounds just about right. He's going to turn away…he's going to leave me alone, He's…hugging me? Wait a minute..this isnt right…. He cant be comforting me…no… im supposed to keep paying and paying for what I did…but I cant get him to let go…and, I, being as selfish as I am…can't make my self pull away.  
  
For..g.ive……… 


End file.
